1. The flecks of parsley will kill me. I’ll be found covered in them—leftover bits of wet green stuck to my cutting board, my knife, my counter, and my soul.
The police are called.
“Gonna have to bring the Whole Foods manager in for questioning, Samuels.”
“She couldn’t afford Whole Foods, Briggs. Get Acme on the line.”
2. If they don’t find me covered in herbs, they’ll find me with breaded fingers. I’ll have lost track of which hand was the wet and which the dry, and I’ll have severed them.
3. Should I buy capers or deodorant this week?
4. Neither, because I accidentally spent 27 dollars on cherries again.
5. I’m agnostic, but this awaits me at the gates:
God: “Ten dollars for a container of Garam Masala? The recipe called for a teaspoon.”
Me: “But the dish wouldn’t have been as good without it!”
God: “And how many pumpkin pie spices in your cabinet?”
God: “How many, Lauren?”
Me: “Five. There are presently five pumpkin pie spices in there.”
6. And how often I’ve slipped up and spent my entire budget on ingredients for one dish. I get home, get hungry, and realize I can’t snack on star anise.
7. Seasoning the second side of the chicken is an anxiety trigger. If I use the pepper mill (and of course I will), that requires two hands, which means there will be chicken disease juice transferred the mill, which means I have to wash my hands mid-seasoning or otherwise risk poisoning myself. I could pre-crack the pepper into a bowl, but I won’t remember to do that and it’s another thing to clean. I could flip the thighs with a fork, but I don’t have a fork to spare for that. We’re having eight for dinner, and I have ten total forks. That leaves two, and they deserve a more fulfilling task than a quick pierce of the flesh and a turn. How do they manage these effects on television?
8. Fucking half a lemon in the back of the fridge.
9. Then there’s the recipe scan, where I look to see what I need and get excited/depressed as I realize I have most of it/have none of it:
“Salt, pepper, yes, yes, scallions, oh yeah, I’ve got scallions. Chili pepper, I am killing this.”
“No butter, no eggs, no coconut milk, no limes, why haven’t I ever invested money and spent wisely, my life is in shambles.”
10. It’s pomegranate season, of all things.