This pistachio cake isn’t low carb, low fat, high protein, paleo, or neo. It doesn’t lower your cholesterol, regulate your sugar, or improve your eyesight. It won’t relieve constipation, or make you smile at the camera and say, “Finally, clear skin!”
But this cake is insane. It’s prone to mood swings and has been known to withdraw from other cakes for long periods of time. It once walked outside at 3 a.m. to talk to the wind about the 2000 election. When it’s on the upswing, however, it is a brilliant magician pulling coins from your ears. It’s also green, and quite moist.
My family has been using this recipe for years and years, and I’ve seen variations of it all over. Don’t bother rolling up your sleeves, because you could already be halfway done in that time.
The back of the brain holds the best scratch-made, now-sift-the-flour recipes, but sometimes the back of the box can approximate.
FOR THE CAKE:
1 box of white cake mix
1 box of instant pistachio pudding
1 cup of club soda
1/2 cup of vegetable oil
FOR THE FROSTING:
2 boxes of instant pistachio pudding
1 1/2 pints (3 cups) heavy cream
3/4 cup of milk
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a bundt pan real good.
Cake: Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Using a stand mixer or hand mixer, beat on medium speed until well-blended. Pour into the bundt. Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until golden brown on top. (Check it at 30 minutes.) Allow to cool for a few minutes. Run a knife around the inside of the pan, say a Hail Mary backwards, and then turn that thing over onto a platter. Cool completely.
Frosting: Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Using a stand mixer or hand mixer, whip until thick, creamy and spreadable. (Oh boy.) Stick your finger in and taste it. (This is getting obscene.) It should be phenomenal, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ice the cake. This recipe makes a LOT of frosting, so be liberal with your schmears.
As delicious as it is, the best part about this dessert is its versatility. I’ve never met a cake with so much potential. Here are five ideas.
1. Transform the cake into a Christmas wreath with a few strategically placed red candies.
2. In March, pick the candies out and cover the red spots with extra icing. Just like that, Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
3. Take advantage of the cake’s hollow center by using it as the letter “O” for a distress signal.
4. Then use it as a temporary life preserver until help arrives.
5. Once you’ve been rescued and returned to your family, use the cake as a decorative bowl for the home.
Images by: Jim Coble